The Undoing: Part 5- The role of women in the church

What is the role of a woman in the church? If you asked me this question as a young teen, I would have said the following:

• A woman can be a Sunday school teacher for children. 

• A woman can be in charge of organizing meals for church dinners.

• A woman can be a church secretary.

• A woman can be a children’s class volunteer or a youth group volunteer.

• A woman can sing in a choir.

• A woman can be the wife of a minister.

If we look to the Bible for answers, we can find the text from Paul in the book of 1 Timothy 2:11-15  that says, “ A woman should learn in quietness and full submission. I do not permit a woman to teach or have any authority over a man; she must be quiet, for Adam was formed first, then Eve. And Adam was not the one deceived; it was the woman who was deceived and became a sinner. But women will be saved through childbearing-– if they continue in faith, love, and holiness with propriety.”

Some of you may read that and nod your head, thinking, “Yes, that’s what I believe, always have, always will.” But, If you’re like me, a verse like that might make you reevaluate this whole Christian thing altogether. That passage makes me angry. 

Is it ok to feel angry over something written in the Bible?

In my college history class, we were given a list of questions that historians ask themselves when reviewing a historical document. When analyzing a written document, the first step is to identify if the document is a:

• Letter

• Chart

• Report

• Speech

• Memorandum

• Patent 

• Advertisement, etc.

Next, you should observe its parts:

• Who wrote it?

• Who read/ received it?

• When is it from?

• Where is it from?

Now, try to make sense of it:

• What is it talking about?

• Why did the author write it?

• What was happening at the time in history this document was created? 

Upon reading through this checklist, my mind went straight to the Bible. Why don’t we use something like this when we read the Bible? If we read the Bible through the lens of the time it was written, our views would change tremendously, especially the passages that mention women.

It’s common knowledge that women were treated as second-class citizens for much of the past. The book of 1 Timothy was written between A.D. 64 and 65. At that time, women had almost no importance or value outside of their homes. They were to be wives and mothers and nothing more. They were lucky if they were able to receive any education at all, though even those who were given some education were still not taught to write. They were under the authority of their fathers and brothers until they were married, then their husband was to be in authority over them. If that was the way women were regarded at that time, of course there were going to be rules for them everywhere they went. They were treated like children who required rules to keep them in line. 

How can we allow ancient man-made rules to be the same rules we live by today?

I grew up drinking the conservative Christian, patriarchal kool-aid. I always wore dresses to church on Sundays. I dreamed of becoming a youth pastor’s wife. (ironic much?) I participated in the “object lesson” competitions at church camp while my male counterparts competed in the preaching competitions. I made myself small when it was a male’s turn to say the prayer or answer the question. I even remember explaining to friends why I believe a woman should never be president of the United States. “What if she were on her period and feeling extra emotional? Should someone in that state be in charge of waging war? Women are far too emotional to run a country.” -words by Melinda of the past, circa 2003.

Over the last few years, I have had the desire to preach. I enjoy writing, especially writing about my experiences, beliefs, and what I’m passionate about. The things I write are basically sermons unspoken. I enjoy teaching; and what is preaching?...teaching…about what you’ve written. My grandfather was a pastor and my father was a pastor and to be honest, I never thought about myself being a pastor until the last couple of years. It never occurred to me that it was an option. Now, here I am, a 3rd generation pastor. (I’m a youth pastor at the church my family attends in Austin.) It’s important to me that my title be “youth pastor” rather than “youth leader” or “youth director” because 1. The male staff members are referred to as pastors or ministers over their departments, and 2. Because I am pastoring. I am teaching, caring for, and guiding my “congregation” which just happens to be a motley crew of pubescent tweens and high schoolers whom I adore. 

Why should my gender keep me from teaching about God? I realize for some of you, the answer will be, “because scripture says it is not allowed.” We must ask ourselves, “When was the Bible written? How were women treated at that time in history?” I’d like to think women are a lot more respected today than they were in A.D. 64. Remember that in the not-so-distant past, women weren’t allowed to go to college or vote. We have grown and evolved and are learning to revere women for the amazing creatures that we are. I mean, we bring life into the world, for heaven's sake. 

We raise our daughters telling them that they can grow up to be anything they want to be…except you can’t preach. Teach the word of God? Absolutely not. Maybe try rocket science.

Ludacris. I just know in my heart that Jesus had to have had female disciples. After all, it was his female followers who first found that the stone at his tomb had been rolled away. The way Jesus approached women in the Bible was the same way he treated men. He treated men and women with equal respect. I do not believe that Jesus would ever tell me that my female body was inadequate in teaching his story. 

Why is it so important to me to be named pastor? Could I do my job just the same with the title director? Yes, but, I’m not willing to take a position where my title can not be equal to that of men. I cannot take part in a church or any workplace where only men can hold a title that women can’t. You may ask, “so you’d turn down the chance at giving kids/ teens a great teacher and leader all because you don't get the title you want? My answer is this: what kind of example would I be to my daughters and the girls in my youth group if I were to accept a job where my male co-workers were all in authority over me simply because they are male? If someone is unwilling to give you a certain title based on your gender, no matter how great of a person they may be, they do not truly see you as equal. If they did, “they’d throw caution to the wind, turn a deaf ear to the denomination or congregation and stand up for your human rights. 

Back to the question I asked toward the beginning of this post: Is it ok to feel angry over something that’s written in the Bible? My answer is, how could you not be angry about some things in the Bible? There’s genocide, slavery, murder, patriarchy, rape, and incest, just to name a few. The Bible is full of stories that are inappropriate for our day and age and I’d include Paul’s letter to the church in that category. The church should be a place where voices are lifted and heard for our own unique interpretations of the world around us. 

Hey baby girl, you want to be a pastor? You go be a pastor. 

Part 4-The Post I'm Finally Ready To Share

Oh, friends, this is a long read. I’m sorry about this but I’ve been thinking through this specific blog post for quite some time and I wanted it to be just right. To be just right, I needed to use all my words and get out all my thoughts. If you know me and if you’ve been reading this blog series, I think you know what’s coming. All that I’m about to share with you has been brewing within me for years and it’s time for it to come to the surface. I’ve wanted to post about this for some time but I didn’t want it to happen abruptly and cause everyone total whiplash. I wanted to prepare my readers and give perspective of where I was coming from. Cover all my bases and then run for shelter. It’s been hard to muster up the courage to write and share this post because I know that many people in my life who care for me and I for them will not agree with what I have to say. I had to wait to write this post until I was ready to be brave enough to face ridicule. It’s easy to voice your beliefs to people who agree with you but takes a certain level of bravery to go against the grain and voice your unpopular opinion to others who do not see eye to eye with you. I’ve been working on the post since November of 2021. I have obsessed over my words and sentences. I have typed and deleted, typed and deleted, typed and deleted. I’ve gotten to the point where i know I just need to release my words. well, here goes. Below is the continuation from my previous post.

After hearing stories from my dad and God working on my heart, I began to think, “what if gay people really are born gay? What if being gay is who they are and it is beyond their control?” I think we all have things in our lives that are beyond our control. From the color of our skin and eyes to how our brains process information.

 A lot of us think being gay is a choice and that there’s a switch in your brain that you can turn on and off.  Have you ever been attracted to your same sex and only your same sex? Have you felt that the “normal” way of life seems so wrong to you that it hurts to try and picture yourself in a “normal” relationship? If not, how can you speak to something you yourself have never experienced? It all goes back to the thought of walking a mile in someone else’s shoes. 

I decided that whatever the bible said about same sex attraction, I knew in my heart that to be like Jesus would be to love the LGBTQ+ community. I still wanted to do my homework on the topic though. I knew there were Christians who believed that being gay is not a sin. I needed to read some books that dig into where this topic is mentioned in the Bible.

I started with, ‘God and the Gay Christian’ by Matthew Vines. This book completely changed how I read the verses in the Bible that mention same sex relations. Matthew has really done his research and I would recommend everyone read the book for some context as to how the world was so different and barbaric in the days of the Bible. Next I read, ‘Torn: Rescuing the Gospel from the Gays-vs.-Christians Debate’ by Justin Lee. This book was quite similar to ‘God and the Gay Christian’ in my opinion but it was a little lighter and easier to read. More story-like and less history lesson. Both are good. I listened to the ‘For the Love Podcast’ by Jen Hatmaker. She has several episodes on the theme of loving and caring for the LGBTQ+ community and as I mentioned in a previous post, the ‘Blue Babies Pink’ podcast by BT Harman. All of these books and podcasts were written by Jesus loving people. Everything that was said in these books and podcasts made sense in my heart and mind. My heart broke for the stories of others who, like my dad, grew up putting on a facade, feeling they could never be their true selves. I believe that in Jesus we are all set free. We all have a seat at God’s table just as we are. It’s our job to follow Jesus’s example and be love to the world. After doing my homework, I came to see these verses in the Bible in a new way. I feel everyone needs to do their reading and reflecting like you do with most things in life. Make your own opinions and believe what you believe rather than what others have told you to believe. I shared what books and podcasts I liked so you’re welcome to check those out for yourself or even find others. 

If you are interested in knowing what I have come to believe the Bible says about homosexuality, continue reading. Most of what I will explain is what I got from reading, ‘God and the Gay Christian’ or is just my opinion. I realize some of you may never do the reading I have done on this topic so I wanted to share a brief overview of what I have learned to hopefully shed some light on a topic that has seemed so black and white for far too long.

Did you know that Jesus never mentions the topic of same sex attraction in the Bible? Actually, same sex attraction isn’t mentioned at all. What is mentioned is gang rape, pagan orgies, and lustful, drunken same sex affaires of most likely straight people. 

I learned from reading, “God and the Gay Christian”, that in ancient Rome and Greece, masters would mount other men as a degrading, barbaric way of showing dominance. A master would sometimes rape his male slaves in the middle of the night to fulfill his lust while the rest of his household was asleep. Keep in mind that these masters would have wives, female slaves, as well as female concubines, all of which the masters would have sexual encounters with. These masters were not gay or same sex attracted, they were power hungry, lust filled, sinful men. This gives us a glimpse into the goings on of the way the rich and powerful lived their lives in that time. 

The verses we read in the Bible that mention same sex acts are not of same sex attracted people genuinely looking for a committed, monogamous relationship. That makes a big difference when you’re comparing what the Bible says to a sweet family of two moms and 2 kids. We are comparing sadistic, power hungry men and drunken orgies to people nowadays who just want to be loved and accepted or be in a loving relationship with a human they’re attracted to.

Ok, let’s dive in to what the Bible says. Probably the most popular story that people like to use as an example of why same sex relations are sinful is the story of Sodom and Gomorrah. Let’s take a look at the nutshell version of what happens in this story.  God sent men (angels) to Sodom and Gomorrah to check things out. Word on the street was that Sodom and Gomorrah was full of grievous sin. When the men arrived at the gates of Sodom, Lot saw them and offered them a place to rest in his home. That evening, all of the men of the city surrounded Lot’s house and told him to bring out them men who were guests in his home so that they may have sex with them. Lot went outside and offered the men his two virgin daughters rather than the male guests in his home. The gang of men outside were not pleased with this offer and they said to Lot, “Who are you to judge us, you foreigner? We will deal with you worse than how we will treat your guests inside.” The men inside the house were able to pull Lot back inside his house and tell him to gather his family and belongings and get out of Sodom because the Lord was going to destroy the city. The city was destroyed.

All of this can be found in Genesis 18 and 19.

I remember hearing this story and learning that the whole story was about the sin of homosexuality. Clearly, there is so much more going on in this story that we need to strip it back and examine it more closely. The first time I heard this story explained in a different manner was when reading the book, “God and the Gay Christian.” (You’re going to hear me reference that book over and over. Sorry.)

Following the story of Sodom and Gomorrah in Genesis 19, we see the cities and their sin referenced 13 times in the old testament. The cities are mentioned as a way to warn the people of other cities what could happen to them because of their sin.

The sins that are referenced are; theft, oppressing the marginalized, murder, idolatry, mocking the poor, and pride. In all of the references to S&G and comparing the other cities to S&G, sexual sin is never mentioned. You’d think that if S&G were destroyed solely because of sexual sin, the other cities that are being compared to S&G would have had a problem with sexual sins as well. In Ezekiel 16:49-50, the Bible actually lists the sins of Sodom and Gomorrah saying, “ Now this was the sin of your sister Sodom: She and her daughters were arrogant, overfed and unconcerned; they did not help the poor and needy. They were haughty and did detestable things before me. Therefore I did away with them as you have seen.” Matthew Vines, author of God and the Gay Christian writes, “If Sodom’s sin had indeed been same sex behavior, it’s highly unlikely that every written discussion of the city for centuries, following it’s destruction, would fail to mention that.”

Now, were the actions of the men in this story sexually immoral? You bet! They were ready to gang rape the outsiders and from what we can infer in Genesis, there was sexual immorality between men and women too, but like I mentioned above, there was far more going on in Sodom and Gomorrah than sexual immorality. I think it’s important to note that this story is used so much in the Christian world as an example of why it’s sinful to be gay but these people in this story were not gay. To be gay is to be attracted to the same sex, not people who rape the same sex.  

Next is Leviticus 18:22 and 20:13.

“When a man lies with another man as one does with a woman, it is an abomination.”

“If a man has sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. They are to be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads.

Before Jesus’ time on earth, things were so barbaric and hate filled. So, so many laws. It sadly reminds me of some closed minded Christians I see today who believe that everything is either good or bad and there’s no in between. They have forgotten about grace and are ready to put to death the ‘wrongdoers.’ Little did the people in the old testament know, God didn’t give them all those laws. They made all those impossible laws for themselves. Don’t mix fabrics, don’t cut your hair, don’t eat shellfish, stay away from women on their periods, stone the women who has committed adultery, etc. Death was the punishment for a lot of things back then. When Jesus comes in the new testament, he says he has come to abolish the law. He came to teach us a new way of life! Thank God! (literally!) He taught us to look at the world through the lens of love and peace. No more stoning to death of the adulteress. He stood up for her. He invited himself over to Zacheus’s house for dinner. He chose to be around those who society would consider less than or second class citizens. When we read these verses in Leviticus, we have to read it with the lens of the barbaric, rule run, hate filled time that it was written in. Same sex attraction, in terms of wanting to be married to the same sex was not even a thing yet so it was seen as wrong and detestable. On par with cutting your hair or getting a tattoo, the things we do without a second thought today. 

One of many things could have occurred to make the author of Leviticus write these verses.

I don’t know who those verses were written for but any time there’s a rule or law in the Bible that mentions being put to death, I just can’t believe that our God who encompasses love is ok with that. God is known as a good father and I believe that he is slow to anger and quick to understand. He knows his children and he loves them as he made them. He is not surprised by our actions and when we do things he doesn’t like, he doesn’t threaten to put us to death. Something to think about. Now on to Romans.

Romans 1:26-27

“Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural sexual relations for unnatural ones. In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed shameful acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their error.”

Matthew Vines writes,” Paul’s description of same sex behavior in this passage is indisputably negative. But he also explicitly described the behavior he condemned as lustful. He made no mention of love, fidelity, monogamy, or commitment. So how should we understand Paul’s words? Do they apply to all same-sex relationships? Or only to lustful, fleeting ones?”

That is a great question and I think that today, we have to realize that there is no representation of a healthy same sex couple in the Bible. The examples of same sex acts mentioned in the Bible have to do with lust. Paul writes (in Melinda’s words) that straight people were having unnatural relationships with one another. These people he is writing about had also turned their backs on God and started worshiping idols. They were basically living for themselves and partying hard. (Melinda’s words again.) Their fault was not that they were same sex attracted and seeking relationships. I believe they were straight people filled with lust for one another. They were partaking in sex acts that were unnatural to them. That reminds me of a talk I had with my ‘bonus dad’, my dad’s husband. He told me that an unnatural relationship for him would be for him to be with a woman. He couldn’t imagine it and to him it would feel unnatural. For me, it would be unnatural to be with a woman. That’s what made me think of this passage and the term, ‘unnatural.’ I believe these people in Romans were straight and that’s why their lustful acts were not only sinful but were unnatural. 

I think it’s important to think of all the Bible verses that we no longer abide by today. We no longer purchase slaves and have the right to lawfully beat them. Women are no longer forced to marry the men who raped them. We have evolved and grown more civilized. It used to be illegal to be gay and still is in some countries. Are we not evolved enough to simply let people love who they want to love? What is wrong with loving people? If two people are romantically attracted to each other, I say let them be. 

That brings me to my announcement, which is; I do not believe it is a sin to be gay and I stand with the LGBTQ+ community. This is not an opinion I made on a whim. As I have written before, I have been growing, changing, and learning since I was 18 and I learned about true forgiveness for the first time. The God I knew in my childhood is not the God I know today. Being a Christian looks so different to me now than it did as a teenager. Like the title of this blog series, I have been ‘undoing’ so much of what was ingrained in me as an adolescent. I have been affirming of the LGBTQ+ community for years now and it all started with my dad. Hearing his terrible stories of a hopeless life got me thinking that God could not have abandoned these dear people. That caused me to dig and with digging I found God in a way I’ve never known him before. A God who loves his children dearly and doesn’t want anyone to feel hopeless by being who they truly are at their core. Not everyone who reads this will agree with what I have said and that’s ok. I just hope that some hearts have been softened a bit to the idea that maybe it is not a sin to be gay. I truly believe in my heart of hearts that God accepts the LGBTQ+ community just as they are. I have some pretty amazing friends and family members that are part of this community and I would take a bullet for any of them. I love you guys to pieces and I feel like a momma bear with all of you, even my daddy. As a straight woman, I will use my voice to make change for YOU. My friends and family are what prompted this series of posts. Each of them have had to go through a time of coming out. Coming out to family, friends, facebook, their church. Each time they came out, they were handing their delicate hearts to be judged and scrutinized by a cruel world. They are so very brave. It’s the least I can do to ‘come out’ as affirming. If they have had to go through hearing others’ opinions of their sexual orientation or relationships, I can go through hearing the possible disapproval from you all. I would hope that if you disapprove you would just continue on with your day and not leave a negative comment but I am not naive and I know that’s not how the internet works. 

My hope is that you who are disapproving of the queer community would take the time to listen. If you know someone from this community, maybe get to know them better and hear their stories. Don’t know anyone or aren’t comfortable with that? Listen to the ‘Blue Babies Pink’ Podcast I have mentioned before. Maybe you are a christian and already are affirming of the LGBTQ+ community. If so, I’d love to know! Read some books on the topic and and for goodness sake watch Season 2, episode 1 of Queer Eye. Gets me every time. Even if you feel firm in your stance of queerness being sinful, do the humane thing and let them live their lives as they please. One person’s sexual orientation does not affect your life one bit. Let them be and for God’s sake be kind to them. Forget about the speck in their eye and worry about the log in your own. Something about me is that I feel others' feelings very strongly. When I have people in my life whom I love, who get scrutinized, it’s not ok with me. It’s especially not ok when the scrutiny comes from those who are supposed Jesus followers. To be like Jesus is to love. Love one another and love your neighbor as yourself. Now go and do likewise.

Oh, and happy pride month!

The Undoing: Part 3- What Just Happened?

Warning: Some of the content in this text may be triggering for some who have been hurt by the church or who are struggling with their identity. Know that I only have love for you and that these feelings I write about do not reflect my feelings or beliefs now.

When you are a 15 year old Baptist evangelical living in the Bible belt in a ministry family and your parents divorce because your pastor dad is gay, it hits you like a ton of bricks. Being gay was the one huge, super big sin that evangelicals like me got all feisty about when brought up in conversation. I don’t even know how I learned what “gay” was because I was pretty sheltered. Probably from friends or tv because I know there was never a conversation about it at home. I just knew it was wrong, disgusting, and definitely a choice like all sins are. I even remember families in our faith community boycotting Disney because Disney celebrated gay pride month or something...Thankfully we were die hard Disney fans and we never had to give up our movies. I mean, we were a part of the Disney movie club and my sister and I lost our minds when the Disney channel was added to our cable package!

I was so very angry with my father when he came out. I couldn’t believe what was happening. I wrote him a profound letter with strong words letting him know how ashamed I was that he was too weak to stand up against the devil’s temptation. I was young and angry but to this day, I feel sick thinking about that letter. 

I shut my dad out for a while. I told him I didn’t want to speak to him ever again. Thank God for forgiveness, right? Unfortunately, the counsel I was getting from adults in my faith community made me feel valid in my feelings and they even supported my hate filled letter. We didn’t talk for some time. My dad would still call and leave me voicemails. Eventually I let him back in a little at a time and we started occasionally getting lunch. I didn’t want to talk about anything having to do with his lifestyle so we just kept things pretty shallow. It wasn’t until around the age of 18 that I started feeling like I should know more about my dad’s life. Probably around the time I had started attending the church I wrote about in my last post. I knew it was time to forgive my dad and I was ready to start mending the relationship. When we’d get together, I’d ask questions about the more personal side of his life. Just one or two questions each time. I was slowly getting to know this new dad of mine.

We’ve all heard that atrocious saying, “Love the sinner, hate the sin.” Barf. Whoever came up with that was faking it something hard. You can wish someone well and not want them to die but that doesn’t mean you love them. You can’t truly love someone if you hate what they do or who they are. If I walked up to you and said, “Hey, I hate your sin, but I love you.” How much warmth would you feel from me? Would you feel like you could confide in me? Seek counsel from me? Be accepted and truly loved by me? Absolutely not! Your knee jerk reaction would be to feel offended first. Remember that verse about not worrying about the speck in someone’s eye when you have a plank in your own? Exactly. We are not meant to be the sin police with our heads held high, ready to point out the sins of others with our “love.” I always heard this phrase in a positive way. Quite frankly, I thought it was genius! That’s what I would do with my dad! I could love him and let him back into my life but I could constantly make sure he knows I am not ok with his lifestyle. 

I felt like it was my Christian duty to show the love of Jesus to my dad and his partner at the time. I needed to meet my dad’s partner, not because I wanted to and not because it was important to my dad but because I didn’t want to look like a hypocrite. Also, I felt like the only thing that would change my dad was to show the love of Jesus to him and his partner. Basically, I didn’t have a genuine love for people like Jesus does, I just wanted to keep my image clean and do my Christian duty of trying to change people. I met my dad’s partner, went to their house, did the whole thing. Check. Now I’ll just sit and wait until my dad realizes how awesome I’ve been and realizes how right I am and that he needs to change and be straight again. That will work, right?

Eventually I realized that I wasn’t loving my dad by building up a tolerance for his lifestyle in hopes of changing him. That’s not love. To love him would have been to listen and to try to understand. Whether we know it or not, we fear what we do not understand. Therefore, different equals wrong. That’s just how our human minds work. 

After having many personal talks with my dad and taking the time to listen and try to understand, I found a very broken man who’d lived a very painful life. I saw a fragile, sad, hurting, human who was longing for love and acceptance from his family. After hearing some stories from him that I'd never taken the time to hear before, I found myself broken hearted for the man who’d broken my heart.  I knew I needed to go back to the Bible and re-read these anti-gay verses for myself and see if maybe there was something I was missing.

The Undoing: Part Two-Fishbowl life

We’ve all heard the quote about walking a mile in someone else’s shoes. We hold stories within us that have shaped us into who we are. We have battle wounds both literal and figurative. Our eyes hold memories of both joy and sadness. Our hearts are full of loss, love, distrust, and vulnerability. To understand people, we must hear their stories. Laugh with them, cry with them, but most importantly we must listen and learn. The Undoing is a compilation of my story and how I got to where I am today. Would you put on my shoes, so to speak, and travel through my story with me? Vulnerability is hard. I promise to be gentle with you, dear reader and I ask the same in return. What I will share is MY 100% truth. We may not see eye to eye on things but please don’t let that hinder you from continuing to read. Hang with me. As I write this I am praying for God’s grace as I tell my story. Through this series of posts, some of you will be offended, hurt, shocked, embarrassed, and possibly angry. My promise to you is that I am writing this with the best of intentions. My purpose is not to ruffle feathers and hurt people but rather to promote relatability and expose some issues for healing and understanding to be birthed. My experiences and my life have transformed me into the woman I am today. There are family and friends in my life that 100% disagree with me on a multitude of topics and that is ok! I am not trying to change anyone but rather peacefully explain myself. I feel like we live in a time where people so often only see their own opinions. Strangers will strike up a conversation with you at the grocery store and assume that you agree with them on all of their feelings. We have to listen to people rather than assume and really try to understand where they are coming from and why they believe what they believe. No one person on this Earth is “right.” It’s ok to have different opinions and beliefs and love one another despite our differences. Our differences bring varying world views and stretch us in the best way. To surround yourself with only like minded people is boring and keeps you all neat and tidy. Guess what? Life is messy.

Some of what I have to say may seem personal to you. You may be able to identify with my story or you may not feel that it relates to you at all. You may feel I’m telling a story about you and maybe I am, but I promise your identity will be kept with me and only me. I used to harbor anger and resentment about some things in my story but I know that without the struggles, I wouldn’t be where I am now. We have all made mistakes. We all have regrets. That is how we learn. I am so very grateful to have been brought up in a Christian home and to have been taught and cared for by so many people along the way who I know loved Jesus and had my best interest in mind. We are all on a journey of learning and growing and I don’t fault anyone for anything they have done in the past because I know I have made my share of mistakes. Like I already said, what I have to say is MY truth and my truth doesn’t have to be your truth. God is the only one with absolute truth and we can only do our best to decipher that truth on this side of heaven. I hope you will read through this series with an open heart and mind. Now, sit back, relax, grab something to drink and let me share my story with you.

I grew up in a “glass house” or “fishbowl,” some might say. As a child, my grandpa was the pastor of our Baptist church and my dad was the music minister and later became the youth pastor of another church. I am so grateful to have grown up in church, but, being the granddaughter/ daughter of pastors, you have certain expectations put on you. If you didn’t grow up in the church, you may not know that the pastoral staff and their families are sometimes looked up to like that of church royalty. Sweet, loving Church members can unknowingly put the pastors and their families up on pedestals and expect them to be perfect people rather than normal human beings and sinners like we all are. The ministry staff and their families are to look a certain way and act a certain way. They should be put together and always be happy. At least, these were the pressures that I felt growing up. There was an invisible list of things we weren’t allowed to do. For example, we weren’t allowed to see movies in the movie theater. That was a rule for ministry families in our church. I think the idea behind that was that Hollywood was viewed as corrupt and secular. Movies could have inappropriate scenes or terse language so best not to be seen at the theaters “supporting” Hollywood. I was taught that alcohol was bad and that it was a sin to drink it. Smoking was a sin, as well as cursing. Dancing was sinful, therefore school dances were not allowed and tattoos or any piercing other than your ears was off limits.  Girls were not supposed to wear pants to church and should absolutely never wear shorts. I don’t remember when shorts became okay...they might have always been okay for me but I think my older sister wasn’t allowed to wear them for some time. Poor firstborn children. Haha! We were allowed to listen to non-Christian music at home but that was kinda like a secret. We’d listen to non-christian music in the car but If there was a guest riding with us, that radio stayed on the christian station. Sadly, so much of my upbringing was based on what we looked like on the outside. We let legalism rule our lives. In my child mind, anyone who did any of the above things was a “bad person.”

None of what I described above is crazy outrageous. Just very strict rules and morals. It’s not like I was involved in some kind of cult where I was forced to shave my head and live in a cave. My parents were trying to mold my sister and I into what the church deemed, “good christian girls.” I can relate to them and don’t fault them for anything. Parenting is HARD and I know they were doing their best with the information they had at that time. Love you mom and dad!

As a child and teenager, I looked up to our church leaders like they were God themselves. They could do no wrong and everything they said was absolute truth. Just so you know, that’s not okay. Like, not even a little bit. It’s totally normal to get advice from church leaders but it should never be someone else’s decisions that run your life. Our church leaders are not without fault. They have thorns in their flesh as we all do. They have secret sins, struggles, and addictions they have to overcome just like regular old humans. They are not called to be judges and neither are we. Only God is the judge and is the only being with absolute truth.

As Christians, we are supposed to be like Christ and to be like Christ is to love. When I think about the attributes of God, I think of love, grace, forgiveness, mercy, humility, hospitality, compassion, and empathy.

The stories I’m about to share with you happened in the church and are missing the love of Jesus. Like I said above, we are not the judges of our world and our church leaders are not meant to be the judges of the church. They are meant to encourage, teach, inspire, and love. In the stories below, the church leaders are in the wrong. They are taking God’s place as the judge when they are meant to come alongside and love.

These are true stories that either I saw happen or that friends have shared with me. 

I have heard the stories of 3 women who were pregnant outside of marriage that were made to stand in front of their church congregation and apologize for their sin. First of all, I believe their round bellies would have been obvious enough for everyone to figure out that they had had sex. Their sweet round baby bellies should be a symbol of joy but instead they will be made to feel as if their bellies are the scarlet letter of their sin. Why not come alongside them and love and support them rather than shame them? Do you think they will feel comfortable continuing to come to a church that makes them publicly confess their sin? Secondly, Since all sins are equal to God, if a pregnant woman who’s had sex outside of marriage has to confess her sin in front of the church, shouldn’t that church be making everyone get up on stage and confess their sins each week? We cannot single out certain sins to be greater than another. Once again, there’s the shame mentality. Whatever happened to “he who has no sin may throw the first stone?”

To add one more point to this story, I want to remind Christians that a good amount of us are pro-life, correct? If a teenage girl in a church congregation gets pregnant and she knows that the consequence will be for her to get up on the stage and confess her sin in front of her church, don’t you think it would be a whole lot less shameful and easier for her to get an abortion and not go through the shame of teen pregnancy? If she felt safe, loved, and knew she’d be accepted and cared for, I bet she’d be a LOT more wiling to bring that baby into the world.

A man comes out as gay and is told that he is no longer welcome in his church. Whatever your opinion on the LGBTQ topic, no one should be kicked out of church over this issue. When has anyone ever had a change of heart after being shamed, hurt, and unwelcome? 

A teenage girl visits a youth group for Wednesday night church and she is told by an adult youth group leader that her shorts are too short and she needs to go home and change. Do you think she came back?

A pregnant woman is counseled by her pastor to stay in her physically abusive marriage because the Bible says divorce is wrong. You know what else is wrong? Abuse. 

A young couple got pregnant before marriage and were asked to leave the church they were attending. Instead of supporting this young couple in their time of need, let’s kick them to the curb and hope they figure it all out! That, folks, is why young people walk away from their faith.

A man was told he could not sing on the stage at his church because he was too overweight. When did leading people in worship through music become a pageant that one must look the part for?

Friends, I have heard or experienced enough stories like these that I could fill 10 pages. Stories that belittle, humiliate, show hatred, and exclude the very people that Jesus spent much of his time on earth with. Did we forget that Jesus broke bread with prostitutes and tax collectors? He touched the unclean and healed on the sabbath. He was a friend to the poor and embraced the unlovely. He valued women, even those who had so publicly committed sexual sin. He cared for children and used them as an example of how our faith should be. He taught us to extend grace and to be humble. He taught us to not point out others’ faults when we have big problems of our own. At what point in history did we, as Christians decide to do away with the ways of Jesus and make up our own rules? When did we deem it acceptable to shame those who do not live up to our expectations of what a Christian should be?

Like I already said, I am not the holder of truth. I am not trying to glorify myself or say that I have all the answers. I am simply a daughter of God who is very passionate about justice and equality. It breaks my heart and stirs anger within me when I see people being treated unjustly by Christians. None of us deserve the love of God yet He extends it to us ALL freely. Unfortunately, a lot of the time it’s the Christians who get in the way, take matters into their own hands, and destroy what God created to be beautiful. 

Join me next time when I share how the layers of undoing started peeling away. The catalyst was when my father, the Baptist preacher, came out as gay. 

The Undoing: Part One- swimming upstream

The Undoing

I have been thinking for a long time now about sharing more of my life on my social media outlets. Currently, on my social media handles, it’s evident to see that I am married, have 3 kids, live in the Tulsa area, and am soon moving to Austin, Tx. If you go a ways back you will see I am a hairstylist and used to have an in-home salon. You will see that I tried to make it as an influencer/ beauty blogger for a minute. You will even see a few posts where I share my heart. Posts where I have traveled to different parts of the world to do relief/ missional work with the world’s most vulnerable. What you don’t know is that there is so much more to me than these things. There are so many things that I believe in or support that I’ve never shared publicly because I either thought it wasn’t relevant or I was scared to share my secret thoughts. Living in the Bible Belt of the US, I often feel silenced. Not by anyone in particular but rather I feel like the fish who’s swimming upstream and it’s just easier to pretend I’m swimming downstream with everyone else. Well, I’m done pretending. I’m done being silent when I don’t agree with something. I have had years and years and years of practice with swimming upstream so don’t think that I woke up this morning with guns blazing, ready to chew out anyone who disagrees with me. That’s not what I mean when I say I will no longer be silent. I have been going through a process of “undoing.” What I mean is that I have had to undo most of the teachings and beliefs I was raised to believe. Little by little I have shed layers of what was ingrained in me as an adolescent. This undoing all started back in 2006 when I had ventured off on my own as an 18 year old at a church where I learned about forgiveness for the first time.

In this blogging journey, I’m going to have to start at the very beginning to explain how I got to where I am today. I still love Jesus, go to church (pre-covid) and read the Bible. I just do all of these things in a different way than I did 15 years ago. If you read through my journey, I pray that it will help you to see God in a different way, that you will be challenged to think beyond what you have been taught, and allow God to speak to your heart. Let Him reveal what you believe at your core rather than what a minister or parents taught you to believe. 

You may wonder why I feel I need to share my beliefs. Why do I swim upstream? Can’t I just swim downstream like everyone else, be quiet, and keep the peace? No, I can’t. You see, I believe that love cannot be silent. There are people in this world who I love deeply that are hurting terribly. Hurting in a way that you or I could never understand. They need advocates. If I call myself a Christian, I need to love people. All people. I need to love people the way Jesus loved people when he was here on this earth. He stood up for the suffering and dined with them. When I see others suffering, to advocate for them is to love them. To be silent is as good as hatred. In Revelation 3:15-16, it says: “I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm--neither hot nor cold--I am about to spit you out of my mouth.” I for one, do not want to be lukewarm. I want it to be clear what I am for and what I am for is love.

A friend of mine has a t-shirt that says:

Love thy neighbor

Love thy immigrant neighbor

Love thy refugee neighbor

Love thy LGBTQ+ neighbor

Love thy black neighbor

Love thy Muslim neighbor

Love thy disabled neighbor

Love thy Jewish neighbor

Love thy Republican neighbor

Love thy Democrat Neighbor

Love thy Latinx neighbor

Love thy addicted neighbor

Love thy homeless neighbor

Love thy Indigenous neighbor

Love thy atheist neighbor

Love thy incarcerated neighbor

Love thy Asian neighbor

Love thy middle eastern neighbor 

Love thy_________ neighbor

When the world sees me, I want them to see and feel the loving warmth of Jesus. Jesus never turned anyone away from coming into His presence and differences are not barriers.

I just want to add that I am not trying to be right. I know that I am not a pillar of knowledge and truth. I do not think I have it all right and that I am an example human. We should all be continuing to learn and grow until until the day we die. I am so glad that I am not the same person I was at age 16 and I know at age 64 I’ll be so glad I’m not the same person I am today at 32. If we keep our hearts and minds open and focused on the love of Jesus, He can transform us in ways we never saw coming. I have so much more learning and growing to do as we all do. I just pray my life experiences will encourage you to stretch and grow in areas you never thought needed growth.

Until next time.

A change of scenery

For those of you who have been following me for a while or have known me personally, you will know that my blog and social media presence have changed a lot through the years. When I first created the blog, “A Mother Inspired,” (the name of my previous blog) I was a mommy blogger. I was a stay at home mom with 3 littles, pre-school age and younger. Then, my life shifted. My kiddos got older and went to school and I started working again. I am a hairstylist by trade and therefore went back into the salon world. My husband was starting his own business and finances were tight so in addition to doing hair, I also tried my luck at becoming a social media influencer. I thought that since I know a lot about the world of hair and beauty, I could share my knowledge and hopefully make some money doing it. Turns out, that wasn’t for me. If you want to make it as a successful influencer, you have to be willing to put in the hours of a full-time job. I just didn’t have the time for that while also working as a hairstylist and being the after-school mommy my girls needed me to be. I’ve kept my blog as well as my social media accounts. I’ve always enjoyed writing a blog and I didn’t want my writing and sharing to come to an end. In the summer of 2020, I decided to solely be a stay at home mom once again. My husband’s business is doing well, and we didn’t need me to work anymore. Now, here we are in almost May of 2021 and we’ve sold our home in our suburb of Tulsa, OK and are soon moving to Austin, Texas! I can’t wait to write all about our experiences that come from this move.

Let’s take a look back to 2020, shall we? It’s an understatement to say that it was quite a year! What a dumpster fire. With the pandemic of Covid-19, the political wars, and the attention being drawn to the injustices that our black brothers and sisters still face today, we had a lot to meditate on. For me, 2020 caused me to dig deep into my heart, mind, and soul and remind myself of what matters most. 2020 made me realize that I have many new thoughts and ideas that have formed in my adult life. Things that I feel prompted to share. In order to share these things with you, I feel I need to share my life story. I want to share my background and how I was raised with you to give you a perspective as to how I landed on certain beliefs. I’ve had to “undo” a lot of my upbringing in recent years and see things with fresh eyes. I’ve had to do some heart work and dig deep to figure out what I believed at my core rather than believing the things I was told to believe.

I am very excited and absolutely terrified to introduce you to a blog series called, “The Undoing”, coming soon. I hope you will join me on this vulnerable journey.

Word of the year

Before you read;

This post is about contentment. I recognize that there is so much suffering going on in the world and in our country right now and I do not take any of it lightly. This post is about how I personally have battled with the feeling of discontent and how I, myself, am trying to grow in the area of gratitude. If you are going through something terrible in your life, know that I am not telling you to simply be content. You are justified in your pain and feelings. 

Have you ever heard people talking about their “word of the year?” Over the past few years, the topic of a word of the year has come up a lot in conversation. I’ve heard friends say things like, “I really don’t want to go but my word of the year is, ‘yes’ so I am going to attend.” The idea behind a word of the year is to choose a word that represents an area in your life where growth is needed. Examples I have heard before are; Yes, No, Pray, Listen, Love, Invite, etc. At the start of a new year you begin thinking of a word for yourself or praying for God to give you a word. I decided to give it a whirl this year and I very clearly knew that God had given me the word, “contentment.” Although I hate to admit it, I struggle HARD with contentment. Since January I have been doing what I can to improve my level of contentment in every area. I went to the Bible to begin my search. We see in Luke 12:34 that where we find our treasure (or things we most value) is where we will find our hearts. I had to think about what is most important to me in my life and if I was putting those things first. If I was filling my mind with things that truly matter, I would not have a heart full of want, jealousy, bitterness, or entitlement. 

We live in a day in age where we are so used to instant gratification. For example, my children have never had cable tv. Since they were born, we have been using sources like Netflix, Amazon, and Hulu for our tv viewing. The first time they ever watched a program on live tv, they flipped out when a commercial came on and they had to wait an extremely long 5 minutes for their program to come back. You would have thought that we took the remote and turned the tv off. They could not believe it was legal for their show to be taken hostage by these commercials! We also live in the age of Amazon prime (hallelu) where we can order something online and get it the next day! We are out of practice on how to be patient and how to be happy during the in between. 

I would say that in our American culture it is extremely easy to find ourselves removed from the here and now. Examples: Coming up to a red light while driving and picking up our phones to make sure we haven’t missed any new notifications. Scrolling through social media instead of looking our children in the eyes when they speak to us. Keeping our phones on the dinner table during date night or when with friends. Have we forgotten how to be present? Can we no longer sit in silence for a couple of minutes while stopped at a stop light? With tools like Instagram and Pinterest we find ourselves scrolling through endless pictures of perfection and we can so easily lose our joy. We look around at our wardrobe, home, cars, and even the hair on our heads. Suddenly we feel extremely inadequate. Our minds go places that tell us, “If you spent more time trying to make money, you could pay for that car.” “What’s a little bit of credit card debt if it means happiness?” “If you were a good mom, your house would be as put together as theirs.” “Plenty of moms are able to get up at 5:00 am, dress to the 9’s every day AND have perfect hair and makeup. You should be able to do that too AND have a ripped body. These are the things I let creep into my mind and they rob me of my joy. 

Social media can so easily become an addiction. I have heard other moms talk in a joking way about how Pinterest can become the housewife’s version of pornography. All kidding aside, Its so easy to find yourself stuck in the vortex of “the scroll” and realize you’ve been scrolling through pictures of perfect decor, perfect bodies, perfect wardrobes, and perfect lifestyles for HOURS. That is absolutely unhealthy and I know we are all victims of doing that here and there. The feelings I feel after the mindless hour(s) of scrolling social media, whether I notice these feelings or not, are inadequacy, anger, jealousy, and full of want. 

I want to make sure I say that this post was not intended to bash social media. Pinterest has helped me find many a delicious recipe and instagram has connected me with groups of people who are putting out so much inspiration and goodness in this world. Facebook allows me to keep up with friends and family who live far away and gives us the opportunity to feel included in events we aren’t able to attend in person. Just like anything in life, too much of a good thing can be bad. We all have different strengths and weaknesses and for me personally, I was realizing that social media was bringing out my weaknesses.

Before choosing my word for the year in January, I took a long break from social media and realized how much happier I was without it. I was paying more attention to my kids and was more fulfilled in the life that I lead. I had been bending over backwards trying to make it as a social media influencer (which I will talk about more in another post) and I just felt like I needed to stop. It was the most freeing feeling which tells me that it’s obviously not what I was supposed to be doing with my life. After taking the break from social media and a lot of prayer and self reflection, I knew contentment was my word that I needed to dig into and really work on this year. My first step was to change the way I start each day. What if my first conversation every day was a conversation of gratitude with God, thanking him for all that I am blessed with. I have so very much to be thankful for but I have not been living like a thankful person.

 I worry about what my home looks like on both the inside and outside. I feel bitter after a long day when I don’t have the money to order delivery for dinner and grumble through cooking dinner for my family. I despise my 2006 minivan instead of being grateful that I have a vehicle that meets our families needs and I feel inadequate when my outfit isn’t as stylish as those around me. It is now July and I have grown a lot in this area of my life. I’ve spent time thinking about what my “treasure” is and what I want my “treasure” to be. If my heart is where my treasure is, I want my treasure to be the things of God. Love, compassion, gratitude, generosity, my family, investing in my children, and serving others. When we get consumed by the things of this world (material things, our looks, our finances, our status) we will only get hungrier for more. Living in excess will not make us happy and it’s up to us to be happy with less. Read this passage and see how it speaks to you.

Luke 12:22-25, 27-28

Then Jesus said to his disciples: “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. For life is more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? 

Vs 27 Consider how the wild flowers grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you---you of little faith!

Join me as I take you through what I’ve been processing thus far this year on what true contentment looks like. I plan to put out a different post about contentment every once in a while. I’d like to think that I could put out a new post each week but with putting my kiddos first this summer and with this being a hobby blog, not a job, they’re just going to come randomly. ;) I love to type out my thoughts especially when they are thoughts that might help others. I know I can’t be the only parent out there who struggles with contentment. Whoever you are and whatever your life looks like, I hope my words can be helpful to you. 

What Child is this---A Christmas Eve Devotion for parents

“He will be a joy and delight to you, and many will rejoice because of his birth, for he will be great in the sight of the Lord. He is never to take wine or other fermented drink, and he will be filled with the Holy Spirit even before he is born. He will bring back many of the people of Israel to the Lord their God.” Luke 1:14-16

When we think of the Christmas story, we tend to focus on the finale. The birth of Jesus. After all, that is what the Christmas story is all about. I recently opened my Bible and started reading in Luke 1, the beginning of the Christmas story, and I read Elizabeth’s story with fresh eyes. I suddenly realized that her story is almost just as miraculous as Mary’s.

Elizabeth was a baron woman of old age, but her and her husband, Zechariah, were faithful servants of the Lord. One evening an angel appeared to Zechariah to tell him that his prayers had been answered and his wife was to give birth to a son and they were to call him John. 

The angel, Gabriel, goes on to say that many will rejoice because of his birth. He will be great in the eyes of the Lord and he will be filled with the Holy Spirit even before he is born! That just boggles my mind. I cannot imagine being pregnant with one of my daughters and an angel telling me that my baby was great in the eyes of the Lord and that she was already filled with the Holy Spirit in the womb! What a gift!

Also, I can’t imagine the pressure that Zechariah and Elizabeth must have felt to lead and guide a child with such a prophecy on him. As parents, we often feel unworthy of the gift of raising the children we’ve been given but can you imagine raising a child whose job it is to bring the people of Israel back to the Lord? 

“And you, my child, will be called a prophet of the Most High; for you will go on before the Lord to prepare the way for him, “to give his people the knowledge of salvation through the forgiveness of their sins,”

‭‭Luke‬ ‭1:76-77 NIV 

The above verse is what Zechariah sings over his son, John. In his case, Zechariah was prophesying actual events that would happen with his son. John was literally going to prepare the way for Jesus, the Lord, telling people about him and getting their hearts and minds ready to receive him. 

Our children will most likely not be prophets. Just sayin. However, we have no idea what the Lord of the universe has in store for our little babies. I like to stop and think of people we learn about throughout history who have lived their lives to bring change to this world. People like Martin Luther King Jr, Corrie Ten Boom, Billy Graham, Mother Teresa. I bet that when they were babies, their parents had no idea of the impact they would make on this planet and the legacies they would leave behind. 

We go through our day to day lives merely surviving each day. We get through the school pick up line, go to soccer, swing through the CFA drive thru for dinner; and if everyone is fed, has done their homework, and in bed before 9:00, we feel we deserve a gold star. How differently do you think we parent if we knew that the child (children) we were raising had a prophecy on them to grow to be movers and shakers in this world? If God’s plan for my daughter is to be involved in government, I would want to do all I could while she’s little to teach her about equality and leading with love.

We have no idea who our kids will grow up to be or what they will grow up to do. What are we as parents doing to foster their young hearts and mold them into admirable, accomplished, loving people who will do great things?

Lord, help us as parents to see our children the way you see them. Help us to be mindful that it is our duty to teach them the things of you and help us to lead by example. Whatever their futures hold, please help us to be instruments to lead and guide them to the things you have in store for them. 

Amen. 

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

My experience with extensions

In May of this year I was looking into the idea of having hair extensions. As you can see in the picture above on the left, I had short, BLONDE hair just last year. My hair is naturally pretty dark and before I decided to start going blonde (which I knew would be a long process) my hair was a very dark eggplant color.

Needless to say, it was a long, hard process to take my hair from that to blonde. It took from December to August and my hair looked and felt like straw when I finally got it blonde. I had to cut it and cut it and cut it even shorter just to try to get the breakage off. The part that really stinks though is that all through the process, my hair really didn’t feel too unhealthy until the last time i got it bleached and achieved the level of blonde you see in the pic at the top. That’s when my hair went to crap.

I had wanted a long, past the shoulders bob and wasn’t able to even grow it to my shoulders in the time span of 9 months due to getting more and more breakage. I had let my blonde grow out during those 9 months and the only color that touched my head was dark brown to cover my grays. I felt like growing my hair out was going to be impossible and had quite the longing for Sleeping Beauty-esque hair. It was at that time that I decided to go down the path to extension-ville. I have a pal who does a fantastic job with extensions so I called her and set up an appointment!

I purchased the extensions on my own. One of the perks of being a certified hairstylist is the access to awesome products at wholesale prices. I bought Bohyme- Luxe Remi hand tied extensions. I got 2 packs of the 14 inch, silky straight extensions. These extensions are made from human hair which is equal parts creepy and convenient. I decided to name my hair Sheila. It just felt like that would have been her name. I know, I’m weird.

The perks of having human hair extensions is that you treat them just like you do your own hair but with a little more care. You wash them, dry them, brush them, curl them, straighten them, but you need to add more moisture to them than you do your own hair. I put hair oil (prefer Kenra revive oil) on them twice a day, morning and night to keep them healthy and shiny. I sleep on a satin pillowcase and only only use satin scrunchies or the invisibobble.

PROS AND CONS OF HAVING EXTENSIONS

PROS

1. The obvious. You get instant long hair without taking the 1 to 2 years to grow long, beautiful hair.

2. Doubles or triples your hair’s thickness. Rock those super thick pony’s or ballet buns with ease.

3. Get a boost of confidence with the hair of your dreams.


CONS

1. They are pricey. They are so fun to have but they sure are an investment. As we are entering into the holiday season, which means extra expenses, I need to take a break from the cost of my weave. ;)

2. The hair has a shelf-life. Hair is already dead but when it is still a part of your scalp, your hair receives your skin’s natural oils and nutrients that it needs to be healthy. The extension hair doesn’t get those nutrients so you have to really take good care of it. My extension hair is starting to look a bit shabby and feeling dry. Since I got them put in in May, they went through the summer getting sun exposure, salt water, chlorinated pool water, sweat, etc. I tried to take care of them the best I could but I truly think they’d have lasted longer if I didn’t get them in the summer.

3. For some reason, the hand tied extensions made my scalp really itchy, especially when I wore my hair up or when wearing a hat.

4. It’s hard to clean your scalp with extensions meaning you have to get used to a little build up living on your scalp.

5. Expect a mild headache for the first couple of days after getting hand tied extensions.

Would I try extensions again? Absolutely! I’m actually considering invested in some human hair clip ins to wear any time I’m feeling like mixing things up.

Hope this was helpful to anyone considering extensions!

love,

Melinda

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Purchasing the items from the affiliate links above helps me to earn a small income which helps me support my family. Think of it as paying me to do the research and find these great products for you. I only recommend products that I use myself and that I truly love.

Lashes for days...

I get asked all. the. time. about my lashes. Yes, they’re REAL, but I’ve had a little help enhancing them.

In the last 5 years or so, I’ve really noticed a change in my lashes. I’ve always had naturally long lashes but I’ve noticed they aren’t as thick and long as they used to be.

I came across an eyelash enhancing serum called Babe Lash and decided to try it out. After just a couple of weeks of using it every night, I could tell a difference in my lashes and others were noticing as well.

Several of my clients have also used Babe Lash serum and their lashes appear dramatically longer and thicker!

I am so happy to share this little beauty secret with you because I also have a special offer for you as well! Because I love Babe Lash so much and am confident in the product, I have partnered with them to offer my friends a 20% off promo code! Click HERE to go to the Babe Lash website and use promo code: AMOTHERINSPIRED for 20% off your order!

As a beauty blogger, it’s important to me to only recommend products that I actually love and believe in so it excites me so much to get to partner with this company and help you all get a discount on a great product!

Happy Friday, friends, and happy belated valentines day as well! Have a safe and happy weekend!

Disclaimer: purchasing this product gives me a small commission. Think of it as me getting paid for doing the research.

Stephanie's makeover

This is my gorgeous friend, Stephanie. Stephanie has like THE BEST skin and look at those eyes! I had so much fun “painting” with her natural beautiful features. Below is what I used on Stephanie.

Everything I used was from Maskcara Beauty except for what I used to fill in her brows.

iiid foundation

Highlight: Sunlit

extra highlight: linen

contour: ash

blush: hollywood

lips: plum

eyeshadow colors : On Wednesdays, Sabrina, trust.

brows: Brow Pow by The Balm cosmetics in light brown

Here’s my website to shop Maskcara Beauty! Email me for help finding your perfect colors for iiid foundation!

A grown up skincare regimen

Let me start off this post by saying that I have terrible skin. I’ve had terrible skin since maybe the 9th grade. So, why should you listen to me about skincare? Bare with me.

Through my jr high years, I realized I had very oily, acne prone skin but so does everyone else at that age. It didn’t bother me too much then but as I got older, my acne began to get worse and worse and occasionally covering my entire face with RED, inflamed, deep pimples. I tried everything on the market, even accutane and nothing would clear up my skin. Accutane worked for me but only when I was taking the medication. After finishing the accutane process, my acne came right back. I’ve taken it twice.

As adults, we need to be taking care of our skin in different ways than we did when we were young. In your teenage and college years, you may not have even washed your face. I remember having friends who had flawless skin. They would never wash their face, sleep in their makeup, and wake up the next morning and put more makeup on. Flawless. I would spend 20 minutes in the bathroom removing my makeup, washing my face, using a special scrub my dermatologist had given me, and apply zit cream all over and then wake up in the morning with a bright new zit in the center of my forehead. (insert eye roll) Wether you never washed your face as a teen or spent so much time catering to your skin in the bathroom each night, you should NOT be using the same regimen that you used in those teen/ college years. In our early adulthood, our skin’s oil production was different than it is now and wrinkles were a myth. It’s time to move out of the Clearasil aisle and into the department store…or the Olay aisle. Whatever fits your budget. ;)

Like I said earlier, I do have terrible skin. Don’t try to sugar coat it, it’s just a fact. I love myself and am fine with my skin as it is so don’t feel like you need to lift my spirits. Trust me, I’m good. I may have pock mark type scarring on my face from previous acne but I think I’m pretty and am comfortable in my skin. Anyway, I can’t do much to change my skin now because the past has taken it’s toll. Some of the scarring is permanent and I continue to get acne, despite the fact that I’m 30 years old. What I can do though is protect the skin that I have now. I want to use products that give my oily skin a deep cleaning, hydrate my skin, keep new wrinkles from forming, and exfoliate to keep this skin looking as youthful as it can for as long as it can.

Here’s my personal night time skincare regimen.

Remove makeup

Every evening I remove my makeup by wetting a microfiber face cloth with warm water. These babies remove makeup better than makeup removing wipes and are reusable! You simply wash and reuse! These wash clothes that I have linked are the exact ones I have. I bought two of the 6 packs to have 12 on hand for morning and night face cleaning. Have you ever used a microfiber mop to clean your floors? All you need is water and the microfiber sucks up all the dirt right off the floor. Microfiber works the same when used on your skin. Love.

Cleanse

Now this next product might surprise you but hang with me. I have a good reason for it. To wash my face I use good ole Cetaphil. Like I already told you, my skin is very oily and it’s hard to find a cleanser that really deep cleans my face. Cetaphil leaves my face feeling really clean and gives me a little bit of acne fighting ingredients. I do not recommend Cetaphil to people with normal or dry skin because it is very drying. I wash the cleanser off with the clean side of the microfiber cloth that I used to remove my makeup. I’m telling you, microfiber face cloths are amazing.

MILK Toner

Tone

Next I use a skin balancing toner. This is my secret ingredient. This amazing toner helps reduce redness and inflammation as well as balancing your skins ph. It is this MILK toner by Maskcara Beauty. The vitamins in this toner help keep your skin smooth, hydrated, and even. It is alcohol free which is fantastic because alcohol is really not good for your skin. It dries your skin out too much which makes normal to dry skin too dry and oily skin even more oily because your skin will produce more oil trying to overcompensate for the moisture loss. Why use a toner you ask? Toners close the pores (or should be closing your pores) and calm your skin down after cleansing. They prep your face to be ready to absorb your moisturizer, and yes, everybody needs moisturizer. Take it from the grease ball. I have never met anyone who’s skin is as oily as mine and I moisturize almost every night. This toner helps to keep my skin balanced despite the fact that the cetaphil cleanser is so drying. If I use Cetaphil and don’t apply my toner and moisturizer, my face gets an itchy burny sensation and that is not ok with me.

Moisturize

MILK Creme

The final step in my nightly skin routine is this MILK creme. (my moisturizer) This creme contains 16% natural milk components and can moisturize the driest of skin. With it’s lactic acid and vitamins A and E, it helps promote skin cell turnover and reduces fine lines and wrinkles. I use this all over my face and neck as well as around my eyes rather than using an eye cream. With it being winter, my skin feels so dry after cleansing but smoothing this milky creme over my skin instantly replenishes that moisture and feels like giving my skin a nice big drink.

That is what I do every night for my skin. if nothing else, at least remove your makeup every night. When you remove your makeup, you’re letting you skin breath and giving it a light exfoliation. Exfoliating is important for aging skin because it helps the skin shed old skin cells and create new skin cells. As we get older, our new skin cell production slows down, thus, wrinkles. Exfoliating keeps the skin thinking it’s young and keeps it creating new skin cells.

I personally prefer a good, deep exfoliation so I give myself microdermabrasion once a week using the PMD Microdermabrasion tool. Microderm is the process of using tiny crystals to exfoliate the skin and then draws out dead skin and impurities by using suction. It’s basically like sanding you face down with a table sander and then sucking it clean with a shop vac. Ha! This results is fresh, rejuvenated, healthy skin. I love that I can do this at home and do it so often. To have this done weekly at the spa would cost you $300 a month minimum! Below is the PMD Microderm tool that I have.

I’d love to hear what you use on your skin and why! Do you have any secret ingredients or amazing products that you will never part with? Tell me about them in the comments! Have a great weekend, my friends!

love,

Disclaimer: Clinking on the links provided may result in me making a small commission.

Another Amanda Makeover

I posted the before and afters of my sister, Amanda last Monday and this Monday I have another Amanda makeover to show you! Same name, different Amanda.

View fullsize

View fullsize

Amanda is so cute and youthful looking. She looks great in her “before” and in her “after” pic, I think she is looking kind of bridal. She’s wearing soft, natural tones, giving her that sweet, romantic look that can work for a day or night look. Read below to see what I used on Amanda S.

Maskcara Beauty iiid foundation

highlight: Aura

extra highlight: linen (under eyes, bridge of nose)

contour: Stone

cheeks: baby watermelon

lips: desert sunset

eyeshadow colors: On Wednesdays, Mi hija, Sabrina, and Coco

Everything listed above is available here.

Eyebrows: Brow Pow by The Balm cosmetics in light brown

Happy Monday, friends!

Wavy hair tutorial

You’ve asked and I have delivered! I’m going to show you how I create beachy waves on my lob length hair. Check out this Tutorial! Look below for a list of tools and products I used in the video.

I apologize for how massive these pics below are. I’m still a newbie and couldn’t figure out how to make them any smaller. haha! Anyway, if you click on the links above the pics, you’ll be taken to the items amazon page. :) As always, let me know if you have any questions about this tutorial or the products I used.

Hot Tools 1 1/4 inch curling iron

Chi Flat iron

Kenra Revive Oil

Bed Head’s After Party

Kenra’s #21 alcohol free hairspray

Kenra’s Dry Texture Spray

Disclaimer: By clicking on the links above and purchasing items, I earn a small commission. It’s basically like I get paid a little for doing the product research for you guys. :)

Makeup Do Not's

Being in the beauty industry, I often notice common makeup mishaps. Makeup should be used to enhance your natural beauty but when applied incorrectly, can take away from your God given gorgeous features. Here are some makeup mishaps that I frequently come across.

Eyeliner on the bottom only.

The purpose of eyeliner is to bring out your eyes. You can make them look bigger, make them “pop”, and make them look dark and sultry. When eyeliner is placed only on the bottom lash line or water line, it drags your eyes down instead of lifting them up, making them appear droopy and bottom heavy which can make the brightest of eyes appear saggy and tired and I don’t think anyone is trying to go for that look. When applying eyeliner to the top lash line only, you make your upper lashes look thicker and heavier and therefore magically making the eyes appear to be more open. Putting liner on both top and bottom lash line/ water line can really make the eyes pop and stand out. No liner at all accompanied by mascara also makes the eyes look bright, youthful and doe eyed. See if you can see the difference in my eyes in the photos below.

Too heavy on the bottom, almost making eyes appear to be upside down.

No liner, just shadow applied in outer corner of upper and Lower lash line.

Upper eyeliner not touching lash line

When putting liner on your top lash line, there should be no gap between the liner and your lashes. As crazy as it seems, I do see this a lot. Eyeliner is not a crayon to just color on your eyelids with however you please. Like I said above, it is a tool to accentuate your beautiful peepers. If you don’t have a steady hand or your eyelids are aging and it’s hard to get an even line of liner, you could try lining your eyes with eyeshadow and an angled brush or invest in a smudging tool to help you smooth out your liner after applying. Matte shadow colors like Filly, Trust, Cole, and Salem are great for using to line your eyes. I highly recommend this angled brush for all your powder liner needs as well as for filling in your brows with powder brow filler. Not sure what color of liner is right for you? Read below for my eyeliner color recommendations.

Eye color Eyeliner color

brown black, brown, dark brown, charcoal

hazel dark brown, brown, charcoal

blue dark brown, brown

green dark brown, brown, amethyst, dark green

These are simply my recommendations and obviously you can do whatever you want. I always prefer dark brown liner over black for anyone with the exception of liquid liner. If you like to play with a lot of color when dolling up your eyes, refer to my blog post, “What colors are right for you?” This will help you know what colors will complement those baby blues…or browns… or greens. Ha!

Eugene Levy brows

I know you’ve all seen the ladies with sharpie eyebrows. Sometimes I even feel that way when filling in my own brows. It’s important to always look as natural as possible when filling in your brows. Start by going to a store like Sephora or Ulta and trying on different shades of the brow filler of your choice. I prefer brow powder like Brow Pow by Benefit cosmetics. Trying on different shades will help you figure out what color looks the best on you. Then, if you don’t want to spend the amount that Sephora /Ulta products cost, take a pic of the shade you liked and try to match it to a drug store product. Light strokes over your brows are so much better than heavy, thick, magic marker swipes.

Your face doesn’t match your neck

Whatever shade of foundation you choose should effortlessly blend into the skin on your neck. The neck is usually a bit lighter than the face because your face tends to cast a shadow onto your neck and thus keeps your neck from getting much sun exposure. Finding a foundation to match your neck may mean that your face will look washed out and ghostly and that’s why contouring and/ or bronzing are key to achieving a healthy looking complexion. I use Maskcara Beauty IIID Foundation. It is an easy to use highlighting and contouring foundation that provides your skin with different shades of foundation to accentuate your skin’s natural highlights and shadows.

If using traditional foundation, it’s always best to figure out what color is right for you when in direct sunlight. I can’t tell you how many times in the past Iv’e been “color matched” at Ulta or Sephora under the department store florescent lighting only to realize that I looked like a spray tan gone wrong when in outdoor lighting. You can take home samples of multiple colors and either try them on in front of a sunny window in your house or even in the car. This will ensure that your makeup looks correct in all lighting. No orange lines of demarcation between face and neck. ;)

I hope you found this helpful! As always, please feel free to message me any questions you may have about these tips or about your own makeup routine.

Love,

Maskcara Beauty

This is the beautiful Cara with a couple of her cuties. Total smoke show, right?

Never heard of Maskcara Beauty? You’re missing out! Maskcara is a makeup and skincare company that was created by fellow mom and beauty extraordinaire, Cara of the Maskcara beauty blog. If you don’t already follow her, you totally should. I’ve learned so much about makeup from her over the years and she is just as beautiful on the inside as she is on the outside.

Being one of her “groupies”, I was quick to purchase the foundation that she created when it first became available several years ago. It was called IIID Foundation and was supposed to create the perfect amount of warmth and brightness that we all want by highlighting and contouring. These words, “highlighting and contouring” meant nothing to me back then. The Kardashians makeup artists hadn’t yet shared their secret of this phenomenon.

The trick to this IIID Foundation (that I love and wear every day!) is to apply multiple shades of foundation to your skin in the right areas to create a perfectly bright and contoured complexion. Think paint by number.

This is just to give you an idea of what colors go where.

IIID Foundation has a buildable coverage with no need for concealer. Each shade comes in a small tin of it’s own which can be stored in a magnetic compact that comes free when you buy 4 tins! If you’re the kind of girls who gets excited by cute packaging, you’ll really appreciate the cute tins and compacts from Maskcara. ;)

For the easiest, most basic look, you will only need 3 colors with the option of an illuminator to add extra glow.

You will need a contour, highlight, and blush of your choice. The contour color goes under your cheek bones, around your hairline, the sides of your nose, and on your jawline. The highlight color goes everywhere else; your under eye area, over your eye lids, forehead, jaw above the bone, above your upper lip, chin, and bridge of nose. The blush obviously goes on your cheeks but can double as a lip color as well.

For our novice makeup gurus, you may like 2 contour colors and 2 highlight colors. I like to use a lighter contour for my initial base and then a darker contour after applying my highlight to “chisel” certain areas to look more defined. I also like to use a lighter highlight color under my eyes for extra brightness to make my peepers look more awake. Watch this video to see how I apply my IIID Foundation.

When Cara developed this makeup, she wanted to make it easy for us basic Betty’s to be able to experience the glam of Hollywood and to do it in 5 minutes because we’re busy mommas!

I't’s definitely different from any other foundation I’ve ever tried so it does take some time to get used to, but once you get the hang of it, this stuff is such a help in shortening your morning routine and I swear the bright look you get from wearing it is unmatchable. Love it!

As a plus, these products are cruelty free, paraben free, gluten free, and are made with a bee’s wax base. It’s nice to know that your makeup is free of nasty stuff.

Check out my Maskcara Beauty website to browse all the amazing products! Please comment below if you have any questions or feel free to email me. If you’re wanting to try IIID Foundation for yourself and you’re local, let’s set up an appointment to try it out on your skin! If you’re not local, no worries. Simply message me a picture of yourself with no makeup on (and in good lighting. preferably facing a window or in the car) and I can help you choose the colors that would be right for your skin tone.

Until next time,

Are you wearing the right makeup colors for your skin tone?

Have you ever been told what colors you should or should not wear? Take the quiz below to figure out what colors will flatter your coloring!

1. Look at the inside of your wrist. Can you see your veins? What color do they look?

A. Blue B. Green C. Blue and Green or cant see veins

2. What color are your eyes?

A. Blue/ blue green B. Green or hazel (greenish brown) C. Brown

3. What color is your hair?

A. beige or ashy blonde/ cool or ashy brown/ grey-silver- white B. golden blonde/ golden brown/ red C. black

Results!

• If you got all A’s, cool tones are your jam. You can rock blue like nobody else! Stick with blues, greens, violets, silver, and all those icy cool tones as well as black. (Colors on the right side of the color wheel pictured below)

• If You got all B’s, you’re a warm girl all the way. You can paint your face up like a sunny desert day with plenty of bronzer. (Reference colors on the left side of the color wheel below)

• If you are all C’s, you are the lucky ones! You can simply wear whatever colors you want and rock them all. We hate you. Just kidding! ;)

• Combination of letters- This is where things get more technical. The basic rule of wearing warm or cool colors comes down to your skin tone. If you see blue veins on your wrist, you will look best in cool tones. If you see green veins you will look best in warm tones. If you see both or see no color, you can wear both warm and cool.

• If you are both warm and cool or a combination of A’s, B’s, and C’s, and you want to know what makeup colors to choose, you can go off of your eye color. Using the color wheel below, find your eye color. Now what is the color that is directly across from your eye color? For example, my eyes are brown with a hint of green. Directly across from the dark greenish brown color on the color wheel is a deep blue violet. When I use colors on my eyes with a violet base, it really makes my eyes pop! You can also use the color of your eyes or colors in the same family (the colors directly around the color of your eyes on the color wheel) for your eye makeup and clothing. Next to the browns on the color wheel are pinks and golds and I love to wear those as well.

• Lip stick and blush can be tricky. Let’s say you’re wanting to choose a red lipstick. If the quiz says you should wear warm tones, you want to find an orangy red rather than a violet or blue-ish red. For blush if you’re supposed to wear warm tones, use a peachy, golden pink, or coral color. If you’re a cool toned lady, use a berry or plum colored blush. Our friends at Ulta or Sephora would be happy to help direct you toward warm or cool toned makeup colors.

Complementary colors- Complementary colors are colors that are directly across from each other on the color wheel. These colors “compliment” each other, meaning that they look great together.

Examples: If you’re wearing a hunter green sweater, wear violet toned makeup to make that sweater really flatter you. Do you have super green eyes? Try a bold red lip and watch how the red on your lips pulls out the green in your eyes! If you have gold toned hair or even some caramel highlights, try adding some royal blue into your life. You will be amazed at how pairing these colors together can really trick the eye. It’s like having a built in instagram filter. haha!

If you’re totally confused any you need some help figuring this out, just message me with your answers to the quiz and I’ll help you. :)

Now that you know what colors you should be wearing, I’m pretty sure you have a free pass to go purchase a new outfit or at least some new makeup! ;)

Happy shopping!

love,