We’ve all heard the quote about walking a mile in someone else’s shoes. We hold stories within us that have shaped us into who we are. We have battle wounds both literal and figurative. Our eyes hold memories of both joy and sadness. Our hearts are full of loss, love, distrust, and vulnerability. To understand people, we must hear their stories. Laugh with them, cry with them, but most importantly we must listen and learn. The Undoing is a compilation of my story and how I got to where I am today. Would you put on my shoes, so to speak, and travel through my story with me? Vulnerability is hard. I promise to be gentle with you, dear reader and I ask the same in return. What I will share is MY 100% truth. We may not see eye to eye on things but please don’t let that hinder you from continuing to read. Hang with me. As I write this I am praying for God’s grace as I tell my story. Through this series of posts, some of you will be offended, hurt, shocked, embarrassed, and possibly angry. My promise to you is that I am writing this with the best of intentions. My purpose is not to ruffle feathers and hurt people but rather to promote relatability and expose some issues for healing and understanding to be birthed. My experiences and my life have transformed me into the woman I am today. There are family and friends in my life that 100% disagree with me on a multitude of topics and that is ok! I am not trying to change anyone but rather peacefully explain myself. I feel like we live in a time where people so often only see their own opinions. Strangers will strike up a conversation with you at the grocery store and assume that you agree with them on all of their feelings. We have to listen to people rather than assume and really try to understand where they are coming from and why they believe what they believe. No one person on this Earth is “right.” It’s ok to have different opinions and beliefs and love one another despite our differences. Our differences bring varying world views and stretch us in the best way. To surround yourself with only like minded people is boring and keeps you all neat and tidy. Guess what? Life is messy.

Some of what I have to say may seem personal to you. You may be able to identify with my story or you may not feel that it relates to you at all. You may feel I’m telling a story about you and maybe I am, but I promise your identity will be kept with me and only me. I used to harbor anger and resentment about some things in my story but I know that without the struggles, I wouldn’t be where I am now. We have all made mistakes. We all have regrets. That is how we learn. I am so very grateful to have been brought up in a Christian home and to have been taught and cared for by so many people along the way who I know loved Jesus and had my best interest in mind. We are all on a journey of learning and growing and I don’t fault anyone for anything they have done in the past because I know I have made my share of mistakes. Like I already said, what I have to say is MY truth and my truth doesn’t have to be your truth. God is the only one with absolute truth and we can only do our best to decipher that truth on this side of heaven. I hope you will read through this series with an open heart and mind. Now, sit back, relax, grab something to drink and let me share my story with you.

I grew up in a “glass house” or “fishbowl,” some might say. As a child, my grandpa was the pastor of our Baptist church and my dad was the music minister and later became the youth pastor of another church. I am so grateful to have grown up in church, but, being the granddaughter/ daughter of pastors, you have certain expectations put on you. If you didn’t grow up in the church, you may not know that the pastoral staff and their families are sometimes looked up to like that of church royalty. Sweet, loving Church members can unknowingly put the pastors and their families up on pedestals and expect them to be perfect people rather than normal human beings and sinners like we all are. The ministry staff and their families are to look a certain way and act a certain way. They should be put together and always be happy. At least, these were the pressures that I felt growing up. There was an invisible list of things we weren’t allowed to do. For example, we weren’t allowed to see movies in the movie theater. That was a rule for ministry families in our church. I think the idea behind that was that Hollywood was viewed as corrupt and secular. Movies could have inappropriate scenes or terse language so best not to be seen at the theaters “supporting” Hollywood. I was taught that alcohol was bad and that it was a sin to drink it. Smoking was a sin, as well as cursing. Dancing was sinful, therefore school dances were not allowed and tattoos or any piercing other than your ears was off limits. Girls were not supposed to wear pants to church and should absolutely never wear shorts. I don’t remember when shorts became okay...they might have always been okay for me but I think my older sister wasn’t allowed to wear them for some time. Poor firstborn children. Haha! We were allowed to listen to non-Christian music at home but that was kinda like a secret. We’d listen to non-christian music in the car but If there was a guest riding with us, that radio stayed on the christian station. Sadly, so much of my upbringing was based on what we looked like on the outside. We let legalism rule our lives. In my child mind, anyone who did any of the above things was a “bad person.”

None of what I described above is crazy outrageous. Just very strict rules and morals. It’s not like I was involved in some kind of cult where I was forced to shave my head and live in a cave. My parents were trying to mold my sister and I into what the church deemed, “good christian girls.” I can relate to them and don’t fault them for anything. Parenting is HARD and I know they were doing their best with the information they had at that time. Love you mom and dad!

As a child and teenager, I looked up to our church leaders like they were God themselves. They could do no wrong and everything they said was absolute truth. Just so you know, that’s not okay. Like, not even a little bit. It’s totally normal to get advice from church leaders but it should never be someone else’s decisions that run your life. Our church leaders are not without fault. They have thorns in their flesh as we all do. They have secret sins, struggles, and addictions they have to overcome just like regular old humans. They are not called to be judges and neither are we. Only God is the judge and is the only being with absolute truth.

As Christians, we are supposed to be like Christ and to be like Christ is to love. When I think about the attributes of God, I think of love, grace, forgiveness, mercy, humility, hospitality, compassion, and empathy.

The stories I’m about to share with you happened in the church and are missing the love of Jesus. Like I said above, we are not the judges of our world and our church leaders are not meant to be the judges of the church. They are meant to encourage, teach, inspire, and love. In the stories below, the church leaders are in the wrong. They are taking God’s place as the judge when they are meant to come alongside and love.

These are true stories that either I saw happen or that friends have shared with me.

I have heard the stories of 3 women who were pregnant outside of marriage that were made to stand in front of their church congregation and apologize for their sin. First of all, I believe their round bellies would have been obvious enough for everyone to figure out that they had had sex. Their sweet round baby bellies should be a symbol of joy but instead they will be made to feel as if their bellies are the scarlet letter of their sin. Why not come alongside them and love and support them rather than shame them? Do you think they will feel comfortable continuing to come to a church that makes them publicly confess their sin? Secondly, Since all sins are equal to God, if a pregnant woman who’s had sex outside of marriage has to confess her sin in front of the church, shouldn’t that church be making everyone get up on stage and confess their sins each week? We cannot single out certain sins to be greater than another. Once again, there’s the shame mentality. Whatever happened to “he who has no sin may throw the first stone?”

To add one more point to this story, I want to remind Christians that a good amount of us are pro-life, correct? If a teenage girl in a church congregation gets pregnant and she knows that the consequence will be for her to get up on the stage and confess her sin in front of her church, don’t you think it would be a whole lot less shameful and easier for her to get an abortion and not go through the shame of teen pregnancy? If she felt safe, loved, and knew she’d be accepted and cared for, I bet she’d be a LOT more wiling to bring that baby into the world.

A man comes out as gay and is told that he is no longer welcome in his church. Whatever your opinion on the LGBTQ topic, no one should be kicked out of church over this issue. When has anyone ever had a change of heart after being shamed, hurt, and unwelcome?

A teenage girl visits a youth group for Wednesday night church and she is told by an adult youth group leader that her shorts are too short and she needs to go home and change. Do you think she came back?

A pregnant woman is counseled by her pastor to stay in her physically abusive marriage because the Bible says divorce is wrong. You know what else is wrong? Abuse.

A young couple got pregnant before marriage and were asked to leave the church they were attending. Instead of supporting this young couple in their time of need, let’s kick them to the curb and hope they figure it all out! That, folks, is why young people walk away from their faith.

A man was told he could not sing on the stage at his church because he was too overweight. When did leading people in worship through music become a pageant that one must look the part for?

Friends, I have heard or experienced enough stories like these that I could fill 10 pages. Stories that belittle, humiliate, show hatred, and exclude the very people that Jesus spent much of his time on earth with. Did we forget that Jesus broke bread with prostitutes and tax collectors? He touched the unclean and healed on the sabbath. He was a friend to the poor and embraced the unlovely. He valued women, even those who had so publicly committed sexual sin. He cared for children and used them as an example of how our faith should be. He taught us to extend grace and to be humble. He taught us to not point out others’ faults when we have big problems of our own. At what point in history did we, as Christians decide to do away with the ways of Jesus and make up our own rules? When did we deem it acceptable to shame those who do not live up to our expectations of what a Christian should be?

Like I already said, I am not the holder of truth. I am not trying to glorify myself or say that I have all the answers. I am simply a daughter of God who is very passionate about justice and equality. It breaks my heart and stirs anger within me when I see people being treated unjustly by Christians. None of us deserve the love of God yet He extends it to us ALL freely. Unfortunately, a lot of the time it’s the Christians who get in the way, take matters into their own hands, and destroy what God created to be beautiful.

Join me next time when I share how the layers of undoing started peeling away. The catalyst was when my father, the Baptist preacher, came out as gay.